Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I'm sorry for all the nonsense that I caused in the past few days. Totally didn't intended it, but what's done is done, besides saying I'm sorry, I can only cling on to the small hope that things will get back to normal.

It's just that I'm being extremely depressed for this past few days. I have been depressed before, but this one beats all the previous others combined by a million times if not more.

Thanks for all the concerns I received, I really appreciate them. But I also appreciate if you guys could just get back to normality, get on with life. What I'm going through is not something that what you guys offer can offset, and I seriously do not wish to affect everyone else with my predicament.

In all honesty, I really need to talk. I mean, talk to someone who I know can understand my current sentiments and offer appropriate advices. But I don't think there's anyone around me at the moment that is up to the task, because this is simply what I believe non of you guys has ever encountered before. So, the 2nd best alternative would be to just leave me alone to bear with this thing for as long as I can.

I'm not fine. To be frank, I'm absolutely not fine at all. I will tell that out straight because I am not one who will try to pretend to be fine even when I'm not. In fact, I don't think I will ever be fine again, ever, but I will try to bear with this extra burden to the best of my ability. I don't want anyone to pity me and do any thing that they usually don't do. Just let it be. All I want is just to inform you guys that I am in fact really not fine just so you know, but I don't want any special attention because it will only annoy me more.

I need friends, I really do. I really appreciate it last night. But I also know that my face is a sore sight at the moment. I am trying to get over it and get used with the thing I'm facing now, but I don't know how long it will take. If it gets unbearable, my dejected look, just cut me out of whatever loops/equations available without hesitation. I won't have any objections with that as well.

I left work an hour early yesterday, and I took another half day off today, in the hope that I can sort my mind out. It proves to be futile. I'm as messed up now as I am last Friday since I 1st heard of the bad news. But I won't be taking any more leaves for this. If I continue to take leaves because of this, very soon I'll end up jobless again. I'm already mentally strained, it's not wise to destroy my financial income as well. Peggy is right, and I know that too.

Just to clarify, for those who might "think too much", no.. my current terrible predicament has got nothing to do with Cath. In fact, actually, I might be the one that caused her mood swing as well, all because of some stupid things I said. I'm really very sorry for that, and you guys can come and have a go at me as you please too.

I'm at a lost on what else to say. Tomorrow, I will start to give everything I've got to incorporate whatever this burden may bring into myself and get on with life. For today, just let me indulge in my pathetic state of mind and sulk, since I've already taken leave and therefore should not waste it.

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