Sunday, January 11, 2009

缺钱@Tsukareta

こんどわほんとにつかれた。。。
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Lately, I'm beginning to wonder, did I really make the right choice to head north? Is life really much better for me here than back home?

I'm beginning to feel more and more like a female, in a sense that I feel moody @ mentally cornered in a frequency similar to a girl's you-know-what....

It's probably got nothing to do with physical cycles or something, it's more like I'm having a personal, monthly ritual of reflecting on my life for the past month or so, and always came to realise what a half-assed, lousy life that I'm leading...


When this phenomenon occurs on me, I tend to behave like some of those guys who got drunk while clubbing @ EQ being reduced to -100 and speaking out on things that are normally supposed to be reserved, and speaking them out in a very clear cut way that it pisses off or hurts other people.

For this round, I got myself thinking, am I really leading the life like I expect it to be by setting foot on this Pearl of the Orient? Maybe I'll just share some of the sentiments I'm having here, while the effects of emotional drunk-ness is still around..

The primary reason I come to Penang is because I realized, a fresh grad plying his trade here can earn a few hundred more in salary and spend a few hundred less by trading in petrol and maintenance cost with rental cost. I labored really hard to finally make it happen, and for a few months, things seem to be looking good.

Then the financial crisis came, and with it came the paycuts and force leaves. In no time, the pay range becomes similar to what I was getting back in KL. Now I can only bank on the 2nd part, the spending a few hundred less to make things happen for me soon.

I came here, thinking that I need to get out of home for a couple of years just so that I can learn to be independent. I've never been away from home for a very long time, besides that 1 semester stint in Liverpool. I guess Liverpool really opened my eyes, and made me realize, I need to get out for a while and see what it's like to be away from home for some time. Even when I was at my 1st job in the Klang Valley, I was never really satisfied.

Basically I think in this part, I got what I want. Staying alone taking care of myself, being able to work late till the night without worrying that mom is going to stay awake waiting for me to be home, meeting new friends, seeing new places.

But that was offset by my lack of being in the thick of action back in KL. The thick of action pointing to being around with alot of my friends frequently. I'm not trying to boast or blow water or anything, but you see, I have always been able to give decent comments and advice to friends who need them while attempting to get into or being in relationships. Seeing friends breaking up faster than Dow Jones fall nowadays make me kinda wonder: is it because I'm not around to 主持大局?

It is a huge bonus that I found myself yet another of the very limited number of 知己s that I have. Yeah we might not have known each other for very long, barely 4 months I think, but I guess when it clicks, it clicks. Although you have moved back to your hometown, I'm really glad that I came to Penang and to have known such a wonderful 契姐 like you. Will try to meet up more, k? *winks*

Everything has it's opposite, the good must come with the bad, positive with negative, that's the law of the universe I suppose. I found myself another 知己, but at the same time, it seems that I'm gradually losing 1 of the existing ones. I cannot think of any other reason but to put the blame on, yeah, exactly, my tendency to blurt out low EQ stuff whenever I feel mentally cornered.

Good and bad, positive and negative, yin and yang, good online and not that good offline. These canceling out effect actually happens on me all the time. It's probably because I failed to be aware of this, more often than not, that puts me in awkward, precarious situations.

You see, you have someone whom you can chat about almost anything online, naturally you would rate that person as someone who is on the same wavelength as you, and you would take that person as 1 of your best friend. And so you think, it should be the same offline. But when your best chat kaki proves to be nothing much more than just that, and instead of just accepting the plain ol' fact, you get frustrated, you start trying to force the issue, and things suddenly become weirder and weirder until, at threshold breaking point, you're not even a very good chat kaki anymore. It's like, you do it this way, and you want more, but after all the fruitless labor, ends up you can't even do it the original way anymore.
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This time, I'm really tired.. I think I really need a rest.. I would've backpacked off to some place for sightseeing, alone, if I have the cash, but since that's not the case, I probably could only doze off on the queen size bed which I'm sitting on to type right now.

And since today is in the period where I experience this monthly ritual, what I type above is actually very low in EQ.. read at your own risk...

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