Thursday, April 02, 2009

Downturn

Lately, it feels kinda.. sucks going to work.. No no, don't get me wrong, it's got nothing to do with the job, I love my job to be honest.. it's just that..

I don't know, it's probably due to multiple factors.. the gloomy mood @ economic downturn, the never ending pile of tasks to complete inversely exponential with the monthly orders, mental stress due to personal sad news coming 1 after another, etc etc..

You know, it's kinda tough having to fend off this feeling of doom while maintaining the high level of focus and motivation on the job at hand. You have to work your socks off, like a dog, as hard as possible, while still fearing that the effort might still not be enough to keep your job secure..

To make things worse, you get to hear your colleagues from another functional team sitting nearby talk about McLaren, Cristiano Ronaldo, Slam Dunk, Power Rangers and Warren Buffet while you figure out how to enable the input, how to route the output etc. I know it's bad to think this way, but I can't help but think that the company would be better off if they target these people in their "slimming down" exercise...

Rich Dad's quotes are playing in my head more frequently. "Clinging on to job security is risky", "Those who operate in the E quadrant are stuck in the financial rat race", "Mind your own business instead of other people's business that makes other people rich", "A change usually means an opportunity" and the accurately so "A big change is at hand, and we will see the full swing somewhere around 2010"...

I know all these facts, and even more painfully, I know that I'm not yet ready to plunge into this world of opportunity. While I try to equip myself with more knowledge, I'll still need the job to put food into my mouth and put petrol into my car...

People all around ask me: "Are you alright?", "You ok ah?", or stop asking me anything at all.

NO I'M NOT ALRIGHT, NO I'M NOT OK...

I'm trying to cope with the increasing workload and irritating people at work, the uncertainty of my job security, the heavy expenses that I'm currently shouldering, the unnecessary bickerings of a few friends that somehow got me involved, the heartbreak and regret of not being able to do what I'm supposed to do to a dead ex-girlfriend, the disappointment of not knowing my best kai jie has been fighting brain cancer all the while until it is too late, and who knows, the list might get longer...

I'm quite mad at myself too, at times.. I feel like a 3 years old kid, easily depressed, making people worry, annoying people on the way... I know there's still a lot of people worrying about me.. I also know there's a lot of people who get annoyed with my unstable mood swings...

I'm really trying hard to overcome this multiple emotional barriers encapsulating me, it's tough, it's really tough, and at the moment, I'm not doing too well, just barely coping, especially when there's some financial meteors heading my way...

I know I would be able to get over these in time, I just don't know when...

Like what those big bosses of my company always bullshit about in their countless comm sessions and coffee talks..

"To be honest, I don't know how bad it's gonna be, there's still no light at the end of the tunnel at the moment. Hopefully we can come out of this downturn stronger"

Hopefully I can come out of this economic downturn and emotional downturn, stronger than ever... fingers crossed.....

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