Saturday, September 05, 2009


I'm sorry. Because when we began to chat actively, I sensed that you were the sentimental type, much like me. That is why I thought, we are on the same wavelength; that is why I thought we could make perfect friends.

I thought that we would be able to understand each other much better than the others, that I could share my deeper, more emotional troubles with you (on a purely friendship scale, NOT romantic scale). That is why I shove all those shit that I never share with the others all this while.

Actually, I expected that you would share my thoughts, or if you disagree, you would shout back at me. That's what true friends are for isn't it? If a friend makes a wrong action or have a wrong thinking, you wallop him and scold him, fight with him until he come to his senses. If he's stubborn, you hit him harder until he gets the point. If you are wrong, you take his point in return. That's what I thought a true friend does, that the normal friends does not comprehend and does not do.

Seems like I was wrong. It was all a one sided assumptions and expectations. When you tell me so often lately, that you don't want to argue with me, let's talk tomorrow, things like that, I finally realized, you didn't want this all this while. You just want to be normal friends with me, like the rest of them, right? You didn't want to be the one that slaps some sense into me, you want to be like the rest, who prefers to do nothing and forget about everything, right?

It must've been hard on you, to cope with all my self-assumed expectations. You didn't like it at all, and it is just recently that I learned that in full. You just wanted to be a normal friend, not a very close friend.

I'm so sorry for assuming myself, and not realizing it sooner, even after so long. I'm so sorry for sharing things that you were not prepared to accept. I'm so sorry for ruining your mood all the time.

Please give me time to adapt. I'll stop pestering you with all these, I'll start to just talk about surface stuff, the less stressful stuff with you from now on. But please give me time, it takes time to get used to the stark reality.

And thank you for putting up with things you didn't want in the first place, for so long. You really made my life much more colorful in a place that's not home for me.

Sorry, and thank you.

(Of course, if you think I'm bullshitting, if you think that we CAN share those deeper stuff as I have always shared with you all the time, it's just that I'm crazy this round, then prove me wrong by responding, by MSN or by email or watever. If you just ignore this post, then I'll just take it that my realization is correct. Hopefully you know who you are, I think it's pretty obvious.)